A play-by-play of my reaction while reading Brian Windhorst’s excellent (as usual) piece of reporting yesterday:

In his first interview on the subject since surgery to remove a tumor from his jaw area in June, James told The Plain Dealer there were several jittery days last January after he had a biopsy on the growing lump under his right ear.

Excuse me?

“It was a nerve-racking experience but I knew at that point I had to get it done,” James said. “I was on edge for those few days, I was lucky the season was going on and we were playing really well so I could concentrate on basketball. My family was nervous.”

You guys are messing with me, right?

Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic found a growth on James’ parotid gland, which produces saliva.

/Breaks down in a blubbering mess.

Those sorts of tumors are somewhat rare, on average there’s usually around 2,500 cases each year.

That sounds bad. Is that bad?!

It represents only about three percent of all discovered tumors and just six percent of tumors found in the head and neck area, according to several medical reference Web sites.

NO, GOD! HE’S TOO YOUNG! YOU CAN”T TAKE LEBRON NOW! HE HASN’T WON US A CHAMPIONSHIP YET!

The better news for James was that between 70 and 80 percent of such tumors are benign. That is what the doctors told him, trying to set him at ease.

Okay…? 70%-80% are decent odds, right?

The news turned out to be good; the mass wasn’t cancerous.

Oh thank you, sweet gentle Jesus!

But if it was allowed to grow it could become malignant and so James made plans to have surgery to remove it as soon as possible after the season ended.

Sounds like a solid, aggressive strategy. I’m sure the doctors know what they’re doing …

It wasn’t an easy or simple procedure.

YOU SONOFABITCH DOCTOR, YOU BETTER NOT HURT HIM! IS HE OKAY? TELL ME HE’S OKAY!

James woke up more than six hours later, the operation taking twice as long as expected. To get the tumor, which by that time was large enough that it raised an obvious bump that fans began noticing when James was at the foul line or doing interviews, Dr. Papay had to make a large incision from the side of James’ head and around the bottom and to the back of his ear.

/Poos self.

“I have a little bit of a scar, but it’s OK, I’m a Chamillionaire,” James joked, referring to the rapper who has lyrics about scars.

Okay, I have to go to the bathroom. There’s literally poop all over my underwear. I can feel it. It’s squishy.