I stumbled across the following program from the Cuyahoga County Public Library called “READ with the BROWNS.” Here’s the CCPL’s description:

“Browns players, with the help of our librarians, have selected books to read to you online. Each player’s photo links to his video, according to the schedule. Each book below is a link to our catalog—borrow the book and read along with your favorite Brown!”

Here’s what the Browns “stars” read:

Kamerion Wimbley: Little Granny Quarterback

Mike Adams: Giraffes Can’t Dance

Ryan Tucker: Red-Eyed Tree Frog

Joshua Cribbs: I’m Mighty

Isaac Sowells: Mouse Mess

Brady Quinn: Hooray For Fish!

If you ask me, these titles sound a little too upbeat for a team the Plain Dealer described as statistically worse than the 1999 expansion Browns.

Here’s what these guys should be reading:

Kamerion Wimbley: Charlotte’s Web 

This is the story of a pig named Wilbur who is saved from slaughter by a super-smart spider named Charlotte. Here’s how: Charlotte spins webs with messages that  deter the farmer from killing the pig.

Can you believe that, Kamerion? One little spider is able to save a life through sheer determination. Pretty amazing stuff, huh?

I mean, look at you. You’re a first round draft pick and you haven’t done dick in four years! Maybe you can learn something about reaching your full potential from lil’ Charlotte.

Mike Adams: Old Yeller 

Mike Adams is playing pretty well, considering he came into the season third on the depth chart behind Brodney Pool and Mike Furrey. He’s an underappreciated member of a worn-down defense.

You know who else is underappreciated? Old Yeller.

That dog is treated like shit by Travis. Like shit. Throughout the book, Travis tries to get rid of the mutt, over and over, and the dog keeps sticking around. You know why? Because dogs are loyal.

In the end, Old Yeller saves Travis from a RABID GODDAMN WOLF, and what does the kid do?

He shoots his dog. 

Do you hear what I’m saying to you, Mike? This is a metaphor. Get out of Cleveland. While you still have time.

Ryan Tucker: Bridge To Terabithia

This Paterson weeper is about two outcast kids who escape to their own imaginary kingdom in the forest.

Tucker, I picked this one for you because you’ve been on injured reserve for the last two fucking years, and I’m guessing you’re really bored. Maybe you should follow these kids’ lead and create your own imaginary empire. 

You can call it: Bridge To Making The Browns Offensive Line Respectable Again.

Josh Cribbs: Where The Wild Things Are

Maurice Sendak has described his books in the following way:

”They are all variations on the same theme: how children master various feelings – danger, boredom, fear, frustration, jealousy – and manage to come to grips with the realities of their lives.”

Josh, you might find comfort in this tale when you’re dealing with the anger that comes from being woefully underpaid, getting to play the wildcat only to have to hand the ball off to Jamal Lewis, and having to run a dangerous hook and lateral down 16-0 with five seconds left in the fourth quarter.

Isaac Sowells: Flowers For Algernon

This offensive guard was cut by the Browns this September. Think about that for a sec. 

Isaac Sowells was not good enough to be a back-up on the Browns’ offensive line.

That’s rough, man. I don’t know what to say. I’m recommending Flowers For Algernon because Charlie , a mentally challenged man who gets special surgery that makes him super smart (but unhappy) and then loses his intelligence rapidly (ending up with nothing), might be the only guy in a sadder situation than you.

Brady Quinn: The Hunchback Of Notre Dame

Pretty self-explanatory, no?